3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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