did you get engaged???
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
