My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He shit in the fireplace
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
