It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
