porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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