I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
