Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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