If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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