Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize