This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
