I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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