I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
