if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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