I wish I could punch you in the face.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
