I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
