Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
