If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My vagina is very pro this idea
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
