and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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