oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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