you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
