He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
