I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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