my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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