Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
