Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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