First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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