WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
