I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
