My room smells like vodka and shame
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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