all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
is wine microwaveable?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
