i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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