I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
