just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
