I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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