My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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