my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
