Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
