I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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