words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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