She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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