make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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