i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize