So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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