please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
