her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize