Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
ttyl tear gas
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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