I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
