i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
