nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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