Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
