apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
