i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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