then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
