and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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