wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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