I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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