I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
