I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
