Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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