I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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