she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
