Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I want her autograph on my taint
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
