evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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