Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Sorry my hands just texted you
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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