please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
